Filed by Trevor at 1:38 am under Atheism, Religion, UU

[NOTE: the purpose of this post was meant as a lead-in to a clip from Julia Sweeney's (of SNL fame) one-woman show Letting Go of God, but it morphed into something else entirely. Nevertheless, I encourage you to have a listen, regardless of how you define your faith. As these past few months have seen considerable change in my religious worldview, it is a relief and comfort to me to hear echoes of my own struggles in her words; I'm interested to hear your opinions on it.]

It should come to no surprise to even casual readers of this website that I’ve been courting atheism for the past couple months; I’m finally at a point in my life where the last of my unchallenged religious beliefs are finally being held to light, one by one, and examined closely for what they truly are. It’s heartbreaking in a way, really, because I was raised to genuinely love Christ and God the Father, and even now as I write this I can still see past the haze of fundamentalist nut-cases to the heart of Jesus’ message. A message, frankly, that I’ve seen made manifest far more sincerely through my participation in a church that doesn’t claim to worship him at all than all my years in the Nazarene faith.

While giving up the Sunday morning ritual of church attendance wasn’t at all difficult to do, willfully relinquishing the title of “Christian” as a form of self-identification was significantly more so, not just because I didn’t want to break my mother’s heart, but because I didn’t want to fry for all eternity. That’s the crux of the matter, really — my fear of Hell is very real and even gave me panic attacks when I was a freshman in college. Even now it is something that dominates my thoughts and prevents me from achieving total inner peace. It figures, really: without the threat of Hell swinging over society like the Sword of Damocles, I believe the Church would die. Otherwise, what incentive could they possibly offer? Never mind the fact that a place of eternal punishment is completely incompatible with the idea of a loving, compassionate God. Never mind the fact that absolutely no amount of evil deeds in a finite span of time could ever warrant a limitless amount of punishment. You too, Idi Amin. You too, Hitler. So tell me, God, which is the more compassionate route: salvation for all or for some? And why do we need salvation in the first place? Salvation from what, exactly? Isn’t it all up to You anyway, regardless of how many prayers and animal sacrifices we send Your way?

Yet against all reason I continue to believe in God; I believe that Love binds this universe together, a force that has no rational explanation. This very fact is what holds me back from unfettered, militant atheism. While I adore the latter’s rational and intellectual approach to life and faith, the idea that every event in our universe can be distilled into pure reason and logic doesn’t sit well with me. What of the illogical, then? Love is perhaps the most irrational thing imaginable; it cannot be explained. The same can be said for the arts, really, for who can truly explain why certain works elicit the responses they do from us? For that matter, who can explain in measured, logical terms what force compels us to create in the first place? Therefore, that which my mind cannot comprehend, cannot rationalize, I call God. God is in open fifths, God is in self-sacrifice, God is Love. And even Christians cannot deny the latter. Where there is Art, where there is Love, I will worship, and that with a full heart and mind.