Filed by Bil at 12:52 pm under Pop Culture, The Media

I think it’s time for Hollywood to consider the minivan as a viable source of suave, robotic awesomeness. Too often the hardcore spies get a sexy little European roadster while their team of technicians sits in a clunky full-size work van. For the sake of saving money on budget, though, I propose that filmmakers could maximize their efficiency by putting the whole team into one fully-functional - and stylish - minivan.

See this photo of the new Nissan Quest. It’s dark. It’s mysterious. It looks fast. It looks tough. Why not?

Movies are all about presentation, and this sucker looks like it could not only take dangerous curves in the winding roads of Croatia, but could also hack into the GPS of the supervillain’s car that’s chasing them in order to make a clever escape. The spy can drive while the geeks do their tech thing.

They can even retrofit the minivan so that the seats turn around in to face each other. That way, if the spy is British, he can sip tea while he and his hackers discuss the plans for the last half of the movie.

And then, when the spy gets the girl in the end, they can shack up in the back seat while the geeks hang out in a 7-11 or something. It’s Hollywood gold.

This is not crazy talk. I’m pretty sure that audiences will get on board with this. It goes beyond just spy thrillers. There are also action thrillers, action comedies, psychological thrillers, horror films, drug-trip comedies, frat house comedies, frat house dramas, tea-cozy rich-person dramas, drug-trip tragedies, art house indies, musical film versions of “Billy Elliot,” science fiction comedy thrillers, fantasy adventures, historical fiction, and porn. All these types of movies could work with an inexpensive minivan.

People are already getting excited about minivans. Here’s a little of what people are saying about various models (noting, of course, that these read better if you infer some sort of innuendo):

Nissan Quest:
- Nice cockpit layout!
- Great style, great look…
- Sliding door always seem to stick!

Toyota Sienna:
- It shakes and rattles!
- The Sienna comes out on top where it really counts.
- I’m mostly very pleased with the Sienna.

Chrysler Town & Country:
- Sick Sick Sick!
- The opening of the sliding doors is at least 2 to 3 inches smaller than before (of course with no kids….).
- …there are so many bells and whistles I can’t believe it.

Honda Odyssey:
- It handles wonderfully and rides nicely.
- I hate it that they took one of the voltage slots away!!!
- Move over soccer moms!

If these were movie reviews, we’d be racing to the box office in droves.

Oh, and just as a point of clarification: I would never buy a minivan. Ever. I just want to see some minivans in the movies.