As you may or may not have heard five billion times by now, New York Democratic Governor Eliot Spitzer is in some hot water because he hired a pricey hooker after a career of prosecuting powerful men who hire pricey hookers. We have all seen this before, and if there’s one thing that we as a nation should be able to agree upon by now (but for some reason aren’t), it’s that political party really has nothing to do with the fact that some politicians are just plain old douche bags.

Okay, sure, perhaps Eliot Spitzer should resign, perhaps not. Honestly, as a resident of a state that is NOT New York, I don’t think I could make a valid argument either way. I don’t know what their funny laws are. Is prostitution illegal up there? Isn’t it illegal in every state but Nevada?

NY Repbulican threaten to impeach Spitzer

Let’s just slow down a little bit though. Who said anything about impeach?

“If he does not resign within the next 24 to 48 hours, we will prepare articles of impeachment to remove him,” said Assembly Republican Minority Leader James Tedisco.

Damn! I didn’t see that one coming.

I find myself somewhat appalled by this notion, and the most likely cause for that is because it’s the Republicans on the move. The smart, worldly, tolerant part of my brain says that Republicans, Democrats, and all the rest are just people, man, people, and it says that I shouldn’t automatically pick sides or presume that just because you endorsed George W. Bush in the last election that means you probably couldn’t pass a six-grade civics class. (I know there are no civics classes for sixth-graders, that’s just an example.) However, the small, judgmental part of my brain says that the modern Republican party is best represented by a snarling, slimy twelve-foot monster made out of boogers and rusty nails with twelve eyes and fifty ears who eats children and listens to Toby Keith. And I know that’s wrong.

But seriously. The outcry of “Hypocrite!” coming from the GOP is itself somewhat hypocritical. Here’s what I mean by that. I will now provide a list of things that are and are not impeachable offenses, according to the Republican party.

IMPEACHABLE:
Extra-marital affair with an intern
Extra-marital affair with a homosexual
Extra-marital affair with a hooker

NOT IMPEACHABLE:
Starting a major war under false pretenses
Illegal wire-tapping
No-bid contracts under conflicts of interest
Tampering with national election results
Firing legal personnel based on party affiliation
Gross incompetence
Shooting a lawyer in the face with a shotgun

I feel there is a lack of balance here. I wonder if they’re not stretching for an excuse to oust a Democrat.

“The payments were made over a period of several months in a way that investigators believe was intended to conceal their purpose and source, which could amount to a crime called structuring,” punishable by up to five years in prison, the Times said.

“Structuring?” Isn’t that just a payment plan?

I don’t want to defend Spitzer, because I’m not a fan of political leaders (or anyone in general) engaging in such behavior. What I will do, though, is call bullshit on an ultimatum like that – resign or be impeached, you have two days to make up your mind – where was that kind of outcry when the report came back that there really are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Where was that kind of demand when New Orleans flooded? Aw, well, hey, mistakes happen. But ooh – a fancy whore? America will not tolerate that!

And there’s more to this issue than I can express right now, certainly more than I care about. I am aware of this. I just want to point out the reaction from the New York GOP.

So.

Bullshit, GOP. Way bullshit.

That’s pretty much all I have to say on the matter.

Okay, okay, one more thing: what are we going to call this one? Hooker-gate? Spitzer-gate? Hypocrites-call-other-hypocrite-a-hypocrite-gate? Mustard-gate? We can’t have a scandal of this magnitude without calling it Something-gate. Jay Leno wouldn’t stand for it. That would be like having a celebrity couple without the stupid combo name. Let’s have a vote, democracy-style: leave your favorite idea for the name of this affair in the comments section. I vote for Structure-gate.

Filed by Bil at 5:27 pm under GOP, Pop Culture, Politics