I know that money cannot buy happiness, but I’ll tell you this – I just spent twenty dollars and I am pretty darn happy for it.

On what did I spend this fortune, you ask?

A new cell phone. The cheapest phone in the store. Tough beans for the salesman who works on commission, sweet peaches for the consumer (me) who needs a phone on a budget.

I wasn’t desperate for a new phone. My old phone was still in working condition. But – to put it in perspective – the battery was held on with Scotch tape.

Here is the old phone and its battery-load-bearing tape:

The battery had to be taped on because I dropped that phone at least a dozen times in the three years I had it, once down a flight of stairs.

Here is what my sweet new phone looks like:

Now, you’ll notice that despite the taped-on battery and the slightly bent antenna, this was at least a cool-ass flip phone with a camera. My new phone is lacking in these areas. But you know what? I don’t care. My new phone has several advantages: 1) it is much flatter than the old flip-phone, so it fits more conveniently into my pocket; 2) it is covered in drop-resistant “soft” coating, so it’s less likely to need the battery to be taped on; and 3) it bears a curious resemblance to the Monolith from “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

I hadn’t been in any kind of cell phone store since 2003 or so, and maybe I’m the last person on Earth to realize this, but just in case you didn’t know: THE SPRINT STORE SUCKS. It’s laid out like a wannabe Mac store, with comfy chairs and shiny minimalist yellow decor, the whole staff wears Bluetooth earpieces, the music is very look-I’m-laid-back-but-I-still-want-to-buy-things-I-don’t-really-need, and there is a wide-screen HD television screen that tells you what you what place in line you are to be helped by a sales representative. I started out fourth in line, so I had to “browse” the glass cases of phones for several minutes because all the comfy chairs were taken.

Eventually, I was helped by a salesman named Joel who gave up all hope of making a good sale very early on. I started out (as though I were on a used car lot) by saying that I’m just looking, not necessarily buying, and I’d really like some more information on this one, the cheapest possible phone. I first inquired about the ease of transition from my old phone to a new one, and then I asked if I could get an even lower price on this really cheap one. Joel mentioned many times after I was officially his cheapest customer of the day that my old phone was like a fossil and the Sprint plan I’m on is what is commonly referred to as a “grandfather plan.”

Whatever. All I really needed was a hand-held device to make phone calls without being tethered to a desk and to send text messages without logging onto the Sprint network at the speed of a 56k dial-up modem. And I have that now. I am a pleased fuzzy bunny. But also, I have something I never even bargained for. I have voice-messaging. That’s where I record a message – with my voice (!!) – and then I can send it to up to twenty-five people at a time. It’s like an inverse voice-mail hurricane. I will be an unstoppable force of nature.

Actually, life will probably not be very different, except my left leg will be more comfortable throughout the day and I’ll be able to respond more quickly to text messages. And by this time next week I won’t even miss the money. The fun newness of the phone will wear off before long. But for now, it seems I’ve bought myself a handful of happiness. Hooray, new toys! Call me. Or send me a text message. It’ll be fun! Seriously!

Filed by Bil at 12:30 am under General