Filed by Bil at 3:31 pm under Damn Hippies, The Arts

As I walked into the super-cheap Chinese/Korean food restaurant across the street from my office today, I heard the sound of a human voice singing loudly, which is a very unusual thing to hear in that particular restaurant. It seemed to fill the entire dining area, and there were four humans in there who might have been the one singing, but I didn’t know who.

When I listened more closely to the words being sung, I figured out that it was the homeless guy by the free water cooler. The words were along the lines of “This shit ain’t right, it’s broken, bitch, there ain’t no water in here…” and it was all in kind of the same four-note melody.

I ordered the lunch special, and the nice lady behind the counter who knows me (whom I will refer to only as “Nice Lady,” because I don’t actually know her name) confirmed that I was indeed getting the same thing I always get there, the lunch special with white rice. It went like this:

Nice Lady: Hello!
Bil: Hi there.
Nice Lady: Lunch special today?
Bil: Yes, please! Sesame chicken.
Nice Lady: White rice?
Musical bum: Whiiiite riiiice…
Bil: Yes. White rice, please.

Predictably, our nightingale sang his way up next to me and asked (without singing) for a dollar. In the next moment, exactly fifteen thoughts flashed through my mind in the following order:

- He’s got me.
- Only a major asshole would say no to giving this guy a dollar right now, here, as I’m paying for my own food.
- I have money.
- He knows I have money.
- I know he knows I have money.
- I don’t think he knows I know he knows I have money.
- There may be a way out of this. Think.
- Don’t think. Only a major asshole would say no to giving this guy a dollar right now.
- Well, played, homeless man, you have caught me with my guard down.
- What a dick to approach me when my guard is down.
- This singing homeless man obviously has no sense of ethical business transactions…or of decorum, for that matter. I should say no to giving this guy a dollar right now.
- Should I scold him, or simply lie to him?
- Lying to him is not an option, he knows I have money.
- I will scold him. This will show I can stand up for my principles.
- Fuck it. It’s Christmas. I’ll give this guy a dollar right now.

There was even time for my brain to ruminate on the eternal struggle of the artist for a sliver of a moment; in that time, I thought about all the performing artists I know who work day jobs for money and perform for audiences for free. This group includes myself, and I thought about how nice it would be if I could just make enough money acting and writing and generally working in the performing arts world so that I didn’t need the day job. This man is homeless, I thought, but at least he makes what money he makes by singing. That’s pretty cool. So, not only in the spirit of the holiday season, but in the spirit of artists supporting artists, I came to a solid decision.

I was about to dig a dollar out of my pocket and ask the guy if he knew “Moon River,” but Nice Lady spoke first.

“Hey! Don’t bother my customers. Go away.”

“Stoooop messin’ wiiiiiiith meeeee…” And with that, he disappeared out into the blizzard, never to be seen again.

And me, now I just feel guilt and remorse for hesitating, by which I missed my opportunity to give to the needy. It’s a weird mix of emotions, because really, more than the sadness I have for not being able to give that homeless man a dollar, I feel relief that I didn’t have to. But I know that I didn’t have to, really, I could have just said no. But I was going to, and I feel glad that I didn’t. And now I also feel guilty for feeling glad.

As the shock wore off and the confusion settled in, I turned toward Nice Lady with the dollar still in my hand.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I save you from homeless man.”

Happy holidays, everyone.