More on the car situation. If you haven’t heard: Chrysler has both officially filed for bankruptcy protection and officially merged with Fiat. An American conglomerate known for on-the-surface class and breaking down all the time has partnered with a European company known for funny smallness and breaking down all the time.
This has promise. We all know what happens when we cross slightly-upper-crust America with European things we laugh at:
I don’t know very much about how to run big business, so I can’t really say much more than Good luck with the restructuring, fellas! but I do know a thing or two about what I want in a car company. And I am a middle-class (barely) American citizen. Therefore, logically, I know what Americans want in a car company. And I have a few ideas. Take them to heart, Chrysler-Fiat.
…or is it Fiat-Chrysler? Who wears the pants?
…or, since we’re Americans and we love our combo-names: Chry-at? Fi-ysler?
…or, since this is an opportunity for a fresh start, how about a whole new last name? Chrysler Mellencamp? Respectable and true. Well, true, at least.
Anyway.
It seems that the biggest problem with Chrysler is their lineup. It’s old. It’s stale. They are like a rusty old statue of JP Morgan in the middle of a beautiful rain forest. And a statue – while it may cost a lot and may represent wealth – does not make the critters of the rain forest wealthy. That’s Chrysler in a nutshell.
Let me help you out with your lineup, Chrysler. Don’t be proud. Don’t get defensive. Just listen and consider.
CHRYSLER:
Crossfire: Trim it up, clean it up, and for crying out loud, put a stronger engine in there. It’s all snout, it looks like it could hold a V-12…don’t limit a sports car that costs nearly $40K to only 6 cyl.
Aspen: Make the hybrid standard and get rid of the combustion-only version. You’re not fooling anyone, anyway.
300: You can keep this one, but give it a cooler name. Like Soprano. Or Tony. Or Tony Soprano.
Sebring: Get rid of it. Get rid of it, get rid of it, get rid of it. What the hell is this car, anyway? Ew.
PT Cruiser: It’s cool to have a weird one in your lineup (the Beatles had Ringo), but it’s got to stay fresh. A redesign is in order. I recommend adding Texas long-horns to the front and massive fenders in the back.
Pacifica and Town & Country: Pick one and get rid of the other. They serve the same purpose. Better yet, in the spirit of merging, why not combine the two? You can call it the Town & Country & Pacifica Soccer Mom Mayonnaise Extravaganza.
New addition: Marvin Gardens: Should be longer than a Caddy or a Lincoln, the perfect length and body style for a hearse.
DODGE:
Ram: Why are there four thousand versions of this truck? Consolidate down to maybe two different kinds: four wheels or six wheels.
Charger: Put police sirens on all models. That, or shark-like dorsal fins.
Avenger: Dump it.
Calibur: Put it with the Avenger.
Nitro: Add flame throwers. And disco lighting effects. And make it amphibious. Can you imagine how fearsome it would look flashing fun lights and spewing flames as it roared toward you from across the river? Holy shit, man!
Challenger: This one can stay as it is. Make police sirens an option.
Durango: Make it look like an Australian animal – leaner, faster, stronger, fiercer, and funnier. Also, make hybrid the standard and non-hybrid more expensive. This will help with profits.
Journey: Put it with the Avenger and Calibur.
Grand Caravan: Dump this one, too. Focus on Sprinter.
Sprinter: Offer free service with every purchase: paint the name and logo of your band on the side.
Dakota: Re-shape and re-structure so that it looks more like a modern-day El Camino. Pontiac was going to do that, but…well…
Viper: Keep the car as is, but only sell to A-list celebrities. Added incentive: snow cone machine instead of glove box.
JEEP:
Every model except Wrangler: Get rid of them.
Wrangler: Make it cost less. Like, by half.
FIAT:
Now, you’ll have to come up with some America-friendly names and models, so here are my suggestions:
Michelangelo: Should be beautiful, artistic, finely detailed, with convertible option.
Caesar: Classy, client-friendly yet fuel-efficient sedan.
Soccer: Sporty as hell. Totally fun. Security feature: collapses if touched.
Olive Garden: Family wagon that always smells like Alfredo sauce. Comes with Frank Sinatra CD collection.
Vispa: a stylish, metropolitan motor scooter. There may be potential in the hipster market.
All right, now…go. Prosper. If you guys take that advice, and make all models cheaper and more reliable, you’ll be sitting on a goldmine.
You can thank me later, Chrysler-Fiat. Right now, you just worry about you.
Filed by Bil at 9:56 pm under General