Filed by Bil at 1:54 pm under Fightin' Words

In addition to my handful of anecdotes about random strangers declaring their lust for me, I now have one about a random stranger spewing his hatred towards me. That’s what I love about city life. The variety.

I was crossing a busy crosswalk at a busy intersection during a busy lunch hour in downtown Chicago today. As I walked, I noticed a dark blue late-90’s BMW rolling steadily toward me as it made a right turn in the intersection. Ever the cautious pedestrian, I looked at the driver to ensure he was actually paying attention to where he was going. Apparently, eye contact was enough to set this guy off.

“Don’t gimmie that fuckin’ face! Fuckin’ asshole!” he shouted. I started, and pointed to my fuckin’ face to be sure he was talking to me. He was looking right at me, but you can never be too sure.

“Yeah, you!” he continued. “Don’t gimme that fuckin’ face!” He seemed really upset. REALLY upset. More than your average downtown driver. Like, he might have burst a capillary in his head if he kept this up.

Of course, I had no idea what fuckin’ face I was giving him, so I gave him instead a face that I thought indicated “What?”

The “What?” in my brain was more along the lines of “What have I done to offend you, sir? I am innocent.” However, he seemed to take it to mean, “What are you gonna do about it, punk?” because he took right off in a manic rant. Most of it was incoherent, but I did catch the phrases “Fuckin’ walkin’” and “Gonna sue your ass” in there.

At that point, all sympathy I might have had for a man whose life is clearly too much to handle disappeared and I started to hope that his head actually would explode. The sidewalk was empty, and he could have completed the turn by now and driven off. But he had slowed down to nearly a stop just so that he could yell at me, and I figured he probably deserved whatever fate was befalling him just then.

So I did something I have never done before. I squared around to him and put up my fists. Both of them. Put-up-your-dukes style.

I was bluffing, of course; I was counting on the facts that a) there was a cop in the middle of the intersection, and b) he was a small, old white dude in a crappy, decade-old BMW to prevent him from stopping his car and actually coming over to fight me. Surprisingly, it worked. He folded, shut his mouth, and drove away.

I am invincible.

I really hope that guy wasn’t actually mentally retarded. I would feel terrible. But I’m guessing he wasn’t. He was probably just some stressed out yuppie driving through the Loop in midday lunch traffic. I hope that guy gets a ticket.