I really couldn’t care less about Sanjaya Malakar, let alone American Idol as a whole, but I was wondering when the gossip rags — or People in this particular case — would start going after him regarding his sexuality. Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, it has officially begun:

I’ve always gotten along with girls better because I was raised by women. I got teased in school because people figured I must be gay because I understand women. I think that’s why guys didn’t like me - because I got along with girls so well. When I went up to girls they would give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek like I was their gay friend. But I was the straight guy that understood them.

Ah, the bittersweet refrain of nostalgia. I used to say those exact words, and save for the “straight” part, they were true. After attending the Björk concert at the Red Rocks, my pet phrase became “I was the only straight guy there!” It was my comfort, my reassurance. And like you, Sanjaya, I had many female friends in high school who turned to me for advice on various matters — of course, being the flute section leader in the marching band helped out with that quite a bit. Want to know why you understand women so well? You’re both attracted to dudes! Saddle up, tiger — it’s never going to stop. Do yourself a favor and learn a lesson from Clay Aiken: denying it repeatedly despite mounting evidence to the contrary only fuels the speculation and heightens the attention on the matter. An appetite for pussy does not a true man make; you will soon come to this realization and all of a sudden the constant need for rationalizations will stop.

But Perez, if you’re reading this, as much as I agree with you — call off your dogs. He’s 17! A kid who’s out at that age is quite remarkable; just think how much more difficult the circumstances are for someone that young who is, at least for the moment, the focus of oppressively heavy media attention. The more he’s badgered about his sexuality, the more vehement his denials will be come and thus the deeper he will climb in the closet. We all know he’s gay; give him time to make peace with himself. We all had to go through this process, and as a gay man yourself it is imperative that you exercise some measure of compassion.

But once he hits his mid-20’s, he’s fair game. I mean it. Anyone who’s not out by then needs to be, for the good of his or her soul and the world. In the meantime, Sanjaya, hie thee to Seattle, where the alcohol (and ensuing same-sex experimentation) flows like water. This too shall pass, and when it does, you’ll be receiving the Vanguard Award in no time.

Provided, of course, that you refrain from Gayken’s brand of latently-Christian homophobic remarks. Then you’re dead to us.

Filed by Trevor at 8:09 pm under Social Issues, Pop Culture, Gender Identity