Filed by Bil at 7:46 pm under General

Tonight Devon and I actually had some time. When you have no time at all for weeks and suddenly you have some, the first thing you think is, “What is this thing I have on my hands? Why, it’s time! Neat.” Then you think, “Dear God, what will I do with myself?”

The answer, of course, is drink!

And the best time to have time is before 6 pm, because you can hit happy hour. During happy hour, not only can you get cheap beer, you can get hot wings for a low price. The Cactus down in the South Loop has a fun happy hour that changes every night of the week. Tonight they had cheap(er) hot wings.

My friend David and I found ourselves surrounded by women, and, like any straight man knows, this is a moment that rarely comes and when it does you must be as manly as possible without grossing your ladies out. So David and I, subconsciously well aware of our situation, inquired as casually and slyly as possible about the different between the mild hot wings and the hot hot wings. Were the hot hot wings hot enough? Our waitress assured us that the hot hot wings were too hot, in fact, and if we wanted them we would have to sign a waiver.

We scoffed like men, and with much bravado ordered the hot hot wings. Our waitress crossed herself and left, and before long she actually brought out the release forms for us to sign. I shit you not, this is how the form reads:

I , ____________, hereby agree and affirm that in exchange for the purchase of Cactus Death Valley Wings Insanity Sauce, I consent to the conditions and terms set forth below.

1) Due to the extremely hot nature of this product, Cactus Death Valley Wings Insanity Sauce, which can cause serious injury if applied to the skin, eyes, nose, fingers, lips, tongue, genitals, digestive system, or any exposed bodily part, I hereby agree to use product in moderation and to immediately cease use upon the first sign of any discomfort, inflammation, or burning.

2) I have examined the ingredients of this product. I have no medical condition that may become aggravate [sic], inflamed or worsened from consumption of this product.

3) Cactus Death Valley Insanity Sauce is to be used at my own risk, and I fully understand the potential danger if handled improperly or directly consumed.

4) I, ___________, hereto for myself and my successors, assigns, heirs, executors, administrators and representatives, hereby fully release, remise, acquit, and forever discharge Financial Bar and Grill, Incorporated, D.B.A. Cactus Bar and Grill, and their allied, affiliated, parent, subsidiary, and associated companies, and their officers, directors, agents, attorneys, employees, and servants from any and all claims, demands, actions, causes of action, damages, obligations, liabilities, transactions, transfers, happenings, violations, promises, contracts, agreements, facts, or situations as a result from the use, misuse, consumption, or sale of the product.

5) I an [sic] twenty one years of age, of sound mind and body and not under the influence of any drugs, alcohol, medication, or especially, Catus’ World Famous Margaritas, that would otherwise alter my ability to make decisions for myself, my children, my children’s children, my girlfriend or boyfriend, wife or husband, mistress, lover, significant other, or partner from the night before who shall remain nameless for other reason that you have forgotten his or her name, and others that my [sic] be influenced by my decisions. By signing this agreement, I agree fully to the terms and conditions set forth herein and realize that am basically signing all my rights away except those that may be fought for in a court of law after the retention of a high priced lawyer.

____________
Signature

____________
Date

404 South Wells | Chicago, IL 60607
phone: 312-922-3830 | fax: 312-922-0390
www.Don’tDrinkAndTrade.com

So we signed it, of course, and she brought us our hot hot wings. She stood by to watch us two “men” consume these wings of death; she even took pictures.

Me.

David.

As you can see, neither of our faces melted, and we made it home all right. But my eyes did water up a bit, and my lips do still tingle. The lesson I take away from these hot wings is this: if you have to sign a waiver to eat food…you better make sure you have some beer standing by. We thought about asking for some vanilla ice cream, but the sauce was so hot that we figured it would turn the vanilla ice cream spicy. So we sat, we two warriors, not crying, not even complaining. However, I do recommend this for anyone who goes to the Cactus - get the mild wings, they taste better and they are less hassle.

Now that I’m home, I’m spending my time writing dribble for a small audience of apathetic web surfers. Huzzah!