Filed by Bil at 7:47 pm under General

A TOAST…TO BUNNIES

In the animal kingdom, few creatures have added so much not only to mother nature but also to the modern accomplishments of the human race as bunnies. As the ruling species of the planet Earth, we humans would not be where we are today without their generosity of spirit, their tenacity of will, and their zig-zag method of evasion.

WHAT ARE BUNNIES?

Bunnies (sometimes referred to by the illiterate as “rabbits”) are smallish mammals of the family Leporidae. They are lagomorphs, not rodents, although they share many of the same qualities as rodents (such as a strong front incisor teeth and deceptive personalities). They are distantly related to weasels, and even more distantly related to the Hatfields of West Virginia.

Bunnies are characterized by their large ears, which allow them to hear sounds up to several miles away. Their superior hearing compensates for their poor sense of smell; they use echo location to hunt for carrots and cabbage. The following scientific graph should give you a sense of the immensity of their ears:

Bunnies are instinctual creatures, and frequently act without thinking of the consequences. Their unpredictable behavior was classified as a mental disorder by the American Psychiatric Association until 1977.

Bunnies have an average IQ of 77, though on occasion some have been known to outwit predators of “Super-Genius” status. Their patented zig-zag dash helps them to avoid being eaten, though this is not a conscious choice; the bone structures in their joints are constructed like wedges as opposed to spheres, switching from one angle to the next with every step.

They also sometimes dress in drag to avoid detection by more dangerous animals:

BUNNIES’ CONTRIBUTIONS TO SOCIETY

Among other things, bunnies have been known to comfort human patients who are dying from horrible diseases. Their cuteness serves as a muscle relaxant and a distraction from worry and pain. The use of bunnies in the treatment of illnesses was legalized in the United States in 1986.

Many bunnies have charitably donated fur to the important cause of coats for rich women, keeping them warm during frosty Manhattan winters. Without the use of these coats, rich women would stay indoors, thus devastating the high-end handbag and hairdressing industries, which are an important factor in the overall health of the national economy. Bunnies have also volunteered in the research and development sectors of fancy make-up, further stimulating the economy during the spring and summer months.

Computer scientists owe a lot to bunnies, too. Bunnies provided the biological demonstration of the Fibonacci sequence, which, as any geek will tell you, is crucial to the basic foundations of computing. No bunnies would mean no computers, and no computers would mean no Microsoft Windows, and no Microsoft Windows would mean that the movie “You’ve Got Mail” starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan would never have been made.

The pro-bunny movement of the 1960’s, though generally overshadowed by the Civil Rights and Women’s Liberation movements, gave the country a lasting impression that carrots are good for eyesight. This (along with Chinese food) has been the saving grace of carrot farmers everywhere.

Bunnies served as the villain in the popular morality tale, “The Tortoise and the Hare,” which many parents credit with teaching children the value of patience, perseverance, and trickery.

OTHER IMPORTANT FACTS ABOUT BUNNIES

- Bunnies are extremely territorial, like hippopotamuses. When provoked, they can be deadly to humans.

- Bunnies are extremely punctual.

- Bunnies can fly, despite their lack of wings. This has yet to be proven by science; however, since it has not yet been disproven by science, it is safe to assume that this is true.

BUNNIES IN HISTORY

Some famous and important bunnies include:

- Jimmy Little, the bunny who taught Helen Keller to play the piano.

- Barclay T. Hare, the first Bunny to swim the English Channel.

- Rutherford B. Hayes, 19th President of the United States of America.

Back to the important part.