Dear Girl I Met on OKCupid,

Oh, you were depressed once? So was everyone. Oh, it was everyone else’s fault? Grow the fuck up. Oh, I didn’t want to date you after we had three fights within a month of dating? That’s not my fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. But I understand you need to blame it on anyone but yourself. I understand you need to create villains in your life. I understand you cry yourself to sleep every night and need villains and need to hate everyone that doesn’t validate every crazy batshit bonkers thing you say.

You suck. We both liked the post-punk and sang that Weezer song at the bar and that was great but it’s not enough. You weren’t enough. And the sex was stupid. Your blowjobs were lame. Stop blaming your life on me. Stop G-chatting me so you can get the last word. I don’t care about getting the last word. It’s yours. Fuck you. Get a life.

Love,

Who Cares

Filed by Tip Your Waiter at 7:51 am under Videos Needed
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Dear Best Friend,

I hate you. I’ve hated you ever since I’ve ever met you. Since the first time we talked, you always tried to ruin my self-confidence. You made me hate the person I am. Because of you, I tried to overdose, and ended up a mental hospital for 12 months. My mother has to cut food up with forks. You fucking bitch, you ruined my entire childhood, and you think you have the fucking right to say that you’ve changed.

I hope you choke.

Love,

Barney

Filed by Tip Your Waiter at 1:57 pm under Videos Needed
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