Dear Fat Bearded Weirdo With The Spotted Dog Who Lives Behind Me,

Your dog barks outside at ALL hours of the day and night. When the fuck do you sleep? Do you live only to let him out at 3:45am and then yell “MOZART!! MOOOOZZZART!!” The fact that that shrieking animal is named Mozart is the death of irony as we know it. Even when my windows are closed it sounds like he is right next to me, so I know you can hear it when I respond to your, “MOZART!!!” with, “SHUTUP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I have laid half awake in bed thinking about how to confront you about it, because we have talked before and you seem to be a nice enough guy, and by the way your other dog, the beagle is really cute, I really don’t wanna be mean to you about it. I much rather be, ya know, neighborly. And I don’t want you to call the cops on me when I have parties. The other reason I don’t want to confront you is that you have a habit of randomly singing me songs. And that is weird. All I really want is that dog to be quiet. I love animals, but I honestly wouldn’t care if it died. I have even thought of shooting it with tranquilizer gun, but I dunno where I would get one. So really dude, keep the dog inside. I cannot imagine that you don’t know that it bothers everyone! I would like some sleep and I really don’t want to confront you and be a bitch about it, but I can only flick off your dog from my bedroom window for so long.

Love,

Q

Filed by Tip Your Waiter at 10:42 am under Musicians Needed
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